The Haunting

So…today in my lovely daily calendar it read, “Do your heart a favor and forgive the one who’s hurt you the most.” Of course, without hesitation, i know exactly who the one was. Flash back six years ago, this 17 year old girl just left her hometown to move 3 hours away to a new school without anyone i knew!! SCORE! I remember being so excited that I finally got to be on my own. So much went on that year. It was one of the hardest, yet, most rewarding year of my life. At TN Tech, I wrote an essay and out of 2,000 people, I won. I won a huge scholarship that I didn’t tell anyone about. This is actually my first time mentioning it, ever. I knew then that I could write. That I could be more convincing on paper than with my tongue. Where my words fell short, my hands didn’t.

I also fell in love that year, for the first time in my life. It was my first love and it was indescribable. So was the heartbreak that followed. I learned that you can’t carry that heartbreak to new relationships if you want them to last. I lost one of my very good friends and almost my brother to a tragic accident. I learned to not take the ones you love for granted and to tell them you loved them every freakin day. I won’t go into details on any of these in this blog post but six years later, I didn’t realize how innocent I was. I thought I knew it all…I didn’t. I know that in six years, I’ll look back at 24 and realize I knew nothing now as well. And thats perfectly okay. If I didn’t move away, I wouldn’t have grown. I also wouldn’t have the chance the forgive the person I’m oh so haunted about. The living can haunt you more than the dead.

But, I realize in all my years growing and and learning, that forgiving is one of the hardest damn things I’ve learned to do since not eating 6 donuts in one sitting. I realized a long time ago that you shouldn’t let something that is long gone, control you. That you forgive not because that person deserves it, but because you deserve peace. I had a irrational dream and I woke up with my heart pounding and fighting mad. A dream I couldn’t control, tried to control me. I thought about throwing my coffee cup because I couldn’t yell at who I wanted to (I realized the cup had cupcakes on it so I decided against it). I wanted to be angry. Angry. Is. Easy. Forgiving isn’t.

Things like this, can control you if you let it. I started thinking about all the things I do wrong and my flaws and how God forgives me everyday. How I have to be more like Jesus and forgive even when I want to throw my coffee cup in a fit of rage.  I’ve learned a lot since those days in my cracker jack size dorm room but one that stuck is that you should forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what now what seems obvious in hindsight. I’ve prayed for peace and patience and it seems like God shows 10 people that have wronged me all in the same day just to make me realize if I want a peaceful life, this is what I have to do. You never have to forget what people have done to you, but if you have peace in your heart, you’ll know you’re on the right path to forgiving them. Just think, nothing annoys someone more than you being silent when they expect you to be enraged.

XO,

B

some people who read this don’t have wordpress and can’t comment, so if you want to leave feedback, follow me and message me on instagram @brklynntrent or twitter @macaronsnmoose 🙂

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I can’t believe it’s been a year since promised to become a better person…

my thoughts on new years/new you

Since this is my first “real” blog, I decided to talk about New Year’s. Everyone is thinking about resolutions. My take on them? Who cares? I made a list of the top 25 things I wanted to do this year and then I laughed. Why do I need a New Year to do these things? I should have been doing most of them all along. But i’ll share a few of the things on my list:
1) Stand up for myself and my beliefs more
–i should have been doing this a longgg time ago. you feel me? by stand up for myself, i don’t mean be a bitch to people, i mean, don’t let people run all over me. it’s because i’m a libra, i’m sure of it. i weigh things on my libra scale c o n s t a n t l y. i will give someone the shirt of my back and then freeze. that’s okay, in moderation. but there’s only so much one person can give before cutting someone off or actually cutting them. (not really)

2) Travel (this should have been number one)
–i don’t mean go to Europe every other month (even though that would be magical), i mean, go somewhere i haven’t been. even if it’s two towns over, there’s always something to be learned in a different atmosphere. i mean get out of my comfort zone, try new food or go to a new church so i can experience life and every aspect of it. i’m a firm believer that you’re not supposed to be around people who are just.like.you. HOW BORING. i want to meet people who believe the exact opposite of me to help me understand myself and beliefs on a whole other level.

3) Be a better puppy mom
–i know this is a weird one…my dog literally just threw up a bone while i’m typing this. (i stopped and made sure he was okay, don’t worry PETA) my dog’s name is Moose (hint; the blog title :)) and i’m not shitting you, that dog saved my life. since he saved my life from a downward spiral, i thought i should be a better human to him. (i.e.; take him for more walks or let him have my left over fries)…he’s pretty special. i have another puppy too, her name is Maddie. she’s our newest edition. she’s psychotic but i love that morkie to death.

4) Forgive
–gah, this is a hard one for me. it is so easy for me to be bitter. i will hold a grudge over someone taking my last cookie in the second grade (i still don’t follow her on any social media because of it)…that’s neither here nor there. forgive people for yourself, not for them. you can forgive someone and can still not have them in your life. it’s okay. “Forgiveness is not giving someone permission to have done the harm, it is rather recognizing the flawed humans we all are and accepting that a flawed person caused us harm.” forgiveness improves a multitude of things involving: mental state, heart rate, success rate, sleeping habits and tons more. i dunno but all those things are pretty important to me.

Those are just a few of the things i want to improve personally. But my point of it all is yes, it’s a New Year, but you should improve yourself daily. don’t get discouraged come March and you’ve been the the gym twice. i’m a firm believer that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. So, you’re not improving at the pace you want? You could be improving at the pace God wants, and to me, that is far more amazing than something I can do on my own without him.

One thing that i have done so far and it’s not even the new year yet is start this blog! i write constantly, but this is something i plan on sharing with my family and friends (i still have a private blog for my delirious venting sessions that i want no one to ever read).

If you are reading this and don’t know what to change about your life or if you want to do something a little different daily, i encourage you to get ‘Life’s Little Instruction Book Calendar Volume XIX’…I haven’t had one since i was at college at TTU but it is seriously something so great to wake up to everyday. Some days are funny and some hit you when you need it. I just ordered mine from Amazon (it’s cheaper than a calendar store and i’m all about saving a dollar).

Photo on 12-29-14 at 6.47 PM

it’s backwards, I KNOW. and it’s already driving my ocd up a wall. i’ll try to post once a week. if anyone wants to comment or give me a topic to talk about but doesn’t have wordpress, follow me on IG and dm me! (ig; @brklynntrent)! see you in 2015!

XO,

B