Miracles > Magic

I have been reading this book called, “A Prayer Journal,” by Flannery O’Connor. I went into this book with guns blazing expecting it to be the holy grail to an insight to God that i didn’t have access to before i picked up this novel. I was wrong. I felt like i was betraying a 21 year old girl from 75 years ago who is long gone. I wanted to unread it. I apologized to Flannery. Like i knew her deepest, darkest thoughts. I can barely handle my own thoughts about religion, much less someone with so much despair writing about it.

I know she meant well. I know that in maybe a year, or ten that i will feel differently about her prayers because i am fate-driven. But as of now, i feel like i know her secrets that she didn’t want some random 24 year old girl to know. She begged God to make her a famous writer, I mean, thats all she wanted. I couldn’t help but whisper to Flan, “God didn’t owe you that…”

Then i shut the book. I thought about all the things i ask him for. He doesn’t owe me any of it. God never promised me that he would give me my expectations. He did promise me that I wouldn’t have to fear the future and to give me hope for it. Which is WAY better than any of my humanly expectations. I thought how selfish she was. How all she prayed about was herself. I don’t think I liked her because she reminded me so much of me.

I had this vision in my head of someone praying for health while holding a cigarette in their hand. This almost humorous vision. I was mad at this book. She prayed about being a famous writer and then wrote about praying about it. It was so odd to me. Then i thought how often do i do this. How often do i beg God for something but refuse to change my habits..you want to be healthy? put the cigarette down. you want to be a writer? pick up a pen. In a society where instant gratification is what we want, it’s hard to accept this; God and magic do not correlate. God and miracles do. I don’t expect to wake up one morning with a book on my nightstand written by me, from God. (Santa is the one you should talk to about that.) But, what i can count on is that he will give me patience to sit still and let him speak through me to write.

You see, him giving you the equipment to make something is greater than him handing you something. Nightstands don’t come assembled. It takes tools and putting shelf B on upside down 7 times before you really needed shelf C. But man, it’s one hell of a nightstand that you put together after getting your Ph.D. in Big Lots instruction manuals. God is working on your pieces to make you one hell of a (insert expectation here) for him. For HIS credit. Miracles > Magic.

Thank you God for not treating me as my sins deserve.

XO
-B

you are better than the birds

“You are smart enough,” he said. Four words. Four big, massive, breathtaking words. I heard them today for the first time in a very long time. You see, I thought by the time I was 24 and married, I’d have it all figured out. Life is one hell of a pitcher and curveballs is its go-to. There’s so many roads I could take that would lead to a different outcome.

As I talked to a friend tonight, I told him about an interview I have tomorrow for a new job and he giggled and said, “I thought you wanted to be your own boss?” I said, “I need a plan B.” He said, “no you don’t…you are smart enough.” It kind of shook me. Maybe I’m just scared of the enough part. I am smart. I have a degree, I can budget money well, I can do a lot of things that people struggle with but is that enough?

In a world where people tell you that you aren’t pretty enough, talented enough, strong enough, fit enough, out of all of those, smart enough stands alone.

Since when did we have to be enough for anyone? You are enough for yourself.  You are brilliant. You don’t have to be scared of not being enough. You are you. No matter what roads you take, it will be right because of you. It will be enough. Whatever you are thinking about doing, do it. Tie your ambitions to a goal, not a person or object and you will always be enough.

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”-Matthew 6:26

Please don’t spread yourself so thin that all of your enoughs for everyone else makes you less of yourself. You are enough to someone. People love that gratification of hearing, “you’re perfect the way you are!” You do not need gratification from anyone besides yourself. God thinks you’re more valuable than those perfect colorful birds. If you are trying to be enough for 15 different people, when will you be enough for yourself? It’s so lovely to have someone take you as you are. Where you don’t have to worry about being smarter or prettier or skinnier or better. Those are the people worth keeping around.

XO
-B