The Haunting

So…today in my lovely daily calendar it read, “Do your heart a favor and forgive the one who’s hurt you the most.” Of course, without hesitation, i know exactly who the one was. Flash back six years ago, this 17 year old girl just left her hometown to move 3 hours away to a new school without anyone i knew!! SCORE! I remember being so excited that I finally got to be on my own. So much went on that year. It was one of the hardest, yet, most rewarding year of my life. At TN Tech, I wrote an essay and out of 2,000 people, I won. I won a huge scholarship that I didn’t tell anyone about. This is actually my first time mentioning it, ever. I knew then that I could write. That I could be more convincing on paper than with my tongue. Where my words fell short, my hands didn’t.

I also fell in love that year, for the first time in my life. It was my first love and it was indescribable. So was the heartbreak that followed. I learned that you can’t carry that heartbreak to new relationships if you want them to last. I lost one of my very good friends and almost my brother to a tragic accident. I learned to not take the ones you love for granted and to tell them you loved them every freakin day. I won’t go into details on any of these in this blog post but six years later, I didn’t realize how innocent I was. I thought I knew it all…I didn’t. I know that in six years, I’ll look back at 24 and realize I knew nothing now as well. And thats perfectly okay. If I didn’t move away, I wouldn’t have grown. I also wouldn’t have the chance the forgive the person I’m oh so haunted about. The living can haunt you more than the dead.

But, I realize in all my years growing and and learning, that forgiving is one of the hardest damn things I’ve learned to do since not eating 6 donuts in one sitting. I realized a long time ago that you shouldn’t let something that is long gone, control you. That you forgive not because that person deserves it, but because you deserve peace. I had a irrational dream and I woke up with my heart pounding and fighting mad. A dream I couldn’t control, tried to control me. I thought about throwing my coffee cup because I couldn’t yell at who I wanted to (I realized the cup had cupcakes on it so I decided against it). I wanted to be angry. Angry. Is. Easy. Forgiving isn’t.

Things like this, can control you if you let it. I started thinking about all the things I do wrong and my flaws and how God forgives me everyday. How I have to be more like Jesus and forgive even when I want to throw my coffee cup in a fit of rage.  I’ve learned a lot since those days in my cracker jack size dorm room but one that stuck is that you should forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what now what seems obvious in hindsight. I’ve prayed for peace and patience and it seems like God shows 10 people that have wronged me all in the same day just to make me realize if I want a peaceful life, this is what I have to do. You never have to forget what people have done to you, but if you have peace in your heart, you’ll know you’re on the right path to forgiving them. Just think, nothing annoys someone more than you being silent when they expect you to be enraged.

XO,

B

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