Abide 

  Abiding is such an old word that I don’t hear often enough. This word used to scare me to death. Growing up baptist, I thought God had a list of rules I had to abide by or I would get punished. I was terrified of everything that heavy word meant. It wasn’t until I switched churches, I realized God didn’t mean that word to use as a punishment for us.

Abide by definition means: follow structured series of spiritual instruction, exercises, prayer and encouragement to heal the hardest parts of your life. To heal the hardest parts of your life. I think of the hardest parts of my life and I think how much I want to be healed from the situations I’ve been in and am still battling every single day. There are days when you want to be someone else or be somewhere else. There are some days where you want relief and want to crawl in a hole just to hide from the hardest parts of your life. As I prayed over this post to help someone, I hope it helps me as well. I get it. There are days when you aren’t feeling like yourself. There are days when you pray to God to end your suffering. It won’t always be like this. I wanted to dig and dig and figure out what the Bible says about abiding. In John, Jesus talks to his disciples and says, “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me.“
I’d like to think Jesus meant don’t let your head run wild in search for answers by trying to solve your own problems. Just stay calm and stay close. A branch can’t produce fruit without the vine. You can not face your problems and come up with solutions without Jesus. Instead of worrying and feeling anxious about what’s to come, whether it is financial stress, relationship issues or just the grind of every day life. Abide. Place your feet on the ground and stay with him. You deserve good things. You deserve all the blessings that God wants to shower you with. But dear, how are you going to look for and get those blessings if you are trying to grow fruit in a garden with no vines? In a life where Jesus isn’t the front runner of your race?

Only in the darkness do you know light. Maybe you’ve listened to that sad country song one too many times. I don’t know what battle you are facing. Maybe you feel left behind or forgotten. Maybe you’re sipping coffee reading this and wondering if God will ever show up for you. Maybe you can’t feel him like you used to. It’s okay if you don’t feel whole right now. It’s okay if you feel lost or confused. Just keep fighting the battle. I pray you abide in Jesus so he can abide in you. Stay so he can stay with you. 

Always in your corner, 

-B

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Hello 2016, it’s me…

I hope everyone reading this has had more love, joy and unpredictability that 2015 could possibly offer. As this year draws to an end, it’s hard not to think about what 2015 brought. For some people you might hate to see it go because you can’t possibly think of another year that could top this one. For others, you might have helped 2015 pack its bags, dropped it off at the airport and never looked back in the rearview. Whatever your situation is, I hope 2016 leaves you humble and speechless. I hope you find so much love and give so much love that you look back at this time next year and thank God for 2016.

I usually think of things I want to accomplish come this time of year for the upcoming one. But this year, I got married, I bought a house, I’m in good health, all of my family is still living, I got a new job and started this wonderful messy blog. I can’t think of anything else that I need or want. So I thought about contentment. I thought about how scary that word is. How there’s so much gray to it. On one hand, you don’t want to be so content that you stop moving and shaking. On the other, you don’t want so much chaos that you wouldn’t know what contentment looked like if it was looking back at you in the mirror. So there’s an ultra fine line when it comes to being content. My version of content is to not fall into comparisons death trap. It can steal everything from you if you let it.

This year i will unfollow things that leave me wanting more. Things that leave me feeling a little less worthy of being happy. Trust me; you are so worthy of being happy. You are beautiful and wonderfully made. It is in our human nature (thanks to Adam and Eve) to want what we can’t have. It is so easy to get caught up in the idea if you have XYZ then you’ll be happy.

I want you to slow down. I want you to be content with what you have. That doesn’t mean to settle and not push yourself to be a better you. I don’t want you to compare your life to others. Unfollow people on social media if you have to. Work towards becoming the happiest you. With contentment comes letting go and that’s a hard concept for many people. I hope you leave all the things that were bad for you behind in 2015. I hope you let go of that relationship that makes you feel second best. I hope you let go of that dead end job that won’t ever promote you when you’re all too deserving. I hope you let go of that toxic friend that drains you. I hope you let go of feeling the need to look like a Victoria’s Secret model. Say yes to the ice cream.

This year, I hope to spend more time with God. I hope to be less impulsive when the world comes pressing down on me to have the latest and greatest thing. I hope you ask yourself before doing something, “how will this serve you, God?”

I started reading what the bible says about being content and this stood out:

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.”- Philippians 4:11

 

“..in whatever situation I am to be content”…that is a hard one for me. I know I have had too many situations where the last thing i’ve felt is contentment. I hope this year I will learn to be content no matter the situation.

This year, I promise to fall flat on my face. I promise to make messes and clean them up. I promise not to let the world make me feel unworthy. I promise to realize we all fall short and it’s okay to not get it right. I promise to cut myself some slack and not be so hard on myself. I will show fear that love ALWAYS wins. I’ll show up for my family and friends. I’ll really see people for who they are, not who i expect them to be. I’ll chase after the life I want, no matter the cost. I’ll help others along their journey of 2016 because no matter who you are, we’re all just trying to make it. I hope you show 2016 what you are made of. You are cherished, loved and completely rad. I hope you promise all the above to yourself and so much more.

always in your corner,

B

 

 

Dark Paradise

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EIGHT days of snow. 8. To say i’m going stir crazy is an understatement. So you people reading this who is at least 100 miles in the proximity of sand, for the love of god…send some my way!

With eight days in a snow daze, i’ve had a lot of time to think. I’ve thought about this subject for years. i mean, since i was 5. Dreams. I’m not talking about goal oriented dreams, i mean dreams while you are dead asleep and you wake up wondering who you are and how you got there, dreams.

A lot of people have dreams or nightmares and just brush them off and go about their day. For me, it’s not that simple. This might seem so silly to some people..like who cares that she has dreams…Dreams have changed my life. I have had vivid, morbid, thrilling, out of this world dreams since about the age of 5. I can tell people what i dream about and they look at me like i have 4 heads. They don’t understand that i go through this every morning. That i recall what i dream about every single day and that it can make or ruin my day.

Many people take depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder or any other mental disorders very seriously. After suffering a tremendous loss by one of my friends passing away in my presence and losing whom i thought was the love of my life simultaneously, i had a sever case of PTSD. I had to sleep with my sister for months, i couldn’t shower with the door closed, i couldn’t be alone while i slept because of my dreams.

Coming from a background in psychology, it is in my blood to tear a part every single thing in my dreams. Why was it cold? Why was i in a graveyard? Why did i touch his face? Why were my grandparents zombies? One dream can mess up my entire day. It can make me or break me. It can determine my mood, my energy, my appetite. I know some people who can’t recall their dreams, some do and don’t really care. But it nature to care and to be analytical about everything in my life. I won’t go into detail about these dreams because if i did, i wouldn’t be typing this, i would probably be in a straight jacket.

I have tried multiple ways to just stop dreaming every night. Alcohol, medication, (prescribed, of course) changing my meals, therapy, not eating after a certain time of day, not eating dairy, i even went so far as to draw a dot on my hand and whenever i got scared or mad or wanted to wake up, i would remind myself before i went to sleep to press that dot really hard so i could wake up. I have woke up in crying fits, i have woke because i forgot to breathe, i’ve been scared awake and i’ve woken up so happy that i wanted to fall back asleep.

White bear problem refers to the psychological process whereby deliberate attempts to suppress certain thoughts make them more likely to surface. An example is when someone trying not to think of a white bear is more likely to imagine one. I chalked my dreams up to this for a long time. But what if it’s something more…

Psychology is so new that we have just begun to scratch the surface. How much can we know about something that isn’t even 200 years old? So with that, i question do dreams have something to do with having a mental disorder? Why so some people dream so vividly and recall every thing about them and other people nothing. Everyone dreams, but what if you dream to the level where it messes up your day? your relationships? your life? is that possible? or should we just let them go the moment we wake up and not think twice about them? Is it your subconscious trying to break out of your skull and get to you to acknowledge it with your conscious?

I don’t really know and for right now, i don’t care too much. I think about things deeply and it doesn’t stop when i sleep. I’ve learned to accept this more now than to try to make them disappear. One other person knows this about me. This is something real and raw and something i want to share, something i want to get comments on.
Don’t ever let someone feel bad or weird for who you are, for what you think or feel. Don’t hide your insecurities, embrace them.

XO,

B

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Today’s song: a little Lana