Dark Paradise

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EIGHT days of snow. 8. To say i’m going stir crazy is an understatement. So you people reading this who is at least 100 miles in the proximity of sand, for the love of god…send some my way!

With eight days in a snow daze, i’ve had a lot of time to think. I’ve thought about this subject for years. i mean, since i was 5. Dreams. I’m not talking about goal oriented dreams, i mean dreams while you are dead asleep and you wake up wondering who you are and how you got there, dreams.

A lot of people have dreams or nightmares and just brush them off and go about their day. For me, it’s not that simple. This might seem so silly to some people..like who cares that she has dreams…Dreams have changed my life. I have had vivid, morbid, thrilling, out of this world dreams since about the age of 5. I can tell people what i dream about and they look at me like i have 4 heads. They don’t understand that i go through this every morning. That i recall what i dream about every single day and that it can make or ruin my day.

Many people take depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder or any other mental disorders very seriously. After suffering a tremendous loss by one of my friends passing away in my presence and losing whom i thought was the love of my life simultaneously, i had a sever case of PTSD. I had to sleep with my sister for months, i couldn’t shower with the door closed, i couldn’t be alone while i slept because of my dreams.

Coming from a background in psychology, it is in my blood to tear a part every single thing in my dreams. Why was it cold? Why was i in a graveyard? Why did i touch his face? Why were my grandparents zombies? One dream can mess up my entire day. It can make me or break me. It can determine my mood, my energy, my appetite. I know some people who can’t recall their dreams, some do and don’t really care. But it nature to care and to be analytical about everything in my life. I won’t go into detail about these dreams because if i did, i wouldn’t be typing this, i would probably be in a straight jacket.

I have tried multiple ways to just stop dreaming every night. Alcohol, medication, (prescribed, of course) changing my meals, therapy, not eating after a certain time of day, not eating dairy, i even went so far as to draw a dot on my hand and whenever i got scared or mad or wanted to wake up, i would remind myself before i went to sleep to press that dot really hard so i could wake up. I have woke up in crying fits, i have woke because i forgot to breathe, i’ve been scared awake and i’ve woken up so happy that i wanted to fall back asleep.

White bear problem refers to the psychological process whereby deliberate attempts to suppress certain thoughts make them more likely to surface. An example is when someone trying not to think of a white bear is more likely to imagine one. I chalked my dreams up to this for a long time. But what if it’s something more…

Psychology is so new that we have just begun to scratch the surface. How much can we know about something that isn’t even 200 years old? So with that, i question do dreams have something to do with having a mental disorder? Why so some people dream so vividly and recall every thing about them and other people nothing. Everyone dreams, but what if you dream to the level where it messes up your day? your relationships? your life? is that possible? or should we just let them go the moment we wake up and not think twice about them? Is it your subconscious trying to break out of your skull and get to you to acknowledge it with your conscious?

I don’t really know and for right now, i don’t care too much. I think about things deeply and it doesn’t stop when i sleep. I’ve learned to accept this more now than to try to make them disappear. One other person knows this about me. This is something real and raw and something i want to share, something i want to get comments on.
Don’t ever let someone feel bad or weird for who you are, for what you think or feel. Don’t hide your insecurities, embrace them.

XO,

B

https://twitter.com/macaronsnmoose?lang=
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Today’s song: a little Lana

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2 thoughts on “Dark Paradise

  1. This does sound pretty terrible and I have no helpful advice because I’m sure with your background you have done all you can to get to the bottom of it, seen shrinks, read the books, done the research etc. You’ve definitely done the next thing I would be suggesting, namely attempting to isolate what element of your diet or substance intake might be to blame. All I can offer is sympathy from a small town near London, and just to say that nothing stays the same forever, and the mind is a very fluid thing if we are not hung up on one thing. Stay true

    Liked by 1 person

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