Not being okay is okay….

I have been wanting to write about this for a while. But every time I sit down to write it, it seems to fall short of everything I want to say. I hope I can give this topic justice. Mental Illness. I see it every day of my life in my job and in myself.
The thing about mental illness is no matter which strand of it you may have, it still will affect every other aspect of your life. Your job, your relationships, your well-being and everything else stems from your mental health.

As I have been going to therapy a lot recently to figure out why on Gods green earth I can’t sleep, it makes me wonder how many people are hiding behind a therapist. I could go see said therapist and no one ever know. There’s a stigma that people put on mental health that people get embarrassed about. It has got to stop. I have heard people SO many times say, “I don’t get depression, why can’t people just be happy?” REALLY? How about you try telling a cancer patient to just not be sick anymore. That’s the thing, mental illness is a sickness. It is not something someone chooses, I promise.

Can you imagine feeling so hopeless that you can’t make it out of bed in the morning to start your job that the rest of your life (i.e. bills, food, survival) requires you to attend, but you just. can’t. Or feeling your heart about to beat out of your chest because you walked into a crowded room and felt like you just couldn’t take the heat, even if no one else noticed you. You may feel like this occasionally, but mental illness isn’t occasional. Imagine going through this every day. Now imagine someone telling you to “just be happy” or to “man up.” Mental illness doesn’t discriminate. It isn’t racists, sexist and doesn’t base itself on geography.

I knew when I started this blog that I would be writing about this eventually. That someone needed this. I am not here to tell you to run to the nearest therapist door and spill out your problems. I’m just telling you it’s okay if you do. I’m just telling you that it’s okay to not feel okay. That it’s society that makes you feel like less of a person. You aren’t. I’m just telling you that you are so brave. And if you don’t have any demons that run through your mind, thank God! But, try to be a little less critical of someone who is anxious or depressed. You never know what someone is going through. It doesn’t come draped on their clothes like a big red A. It’s silent and dangerous.

I am not a therapist by any means. Having a degree that majors in people’s minds or suffering from PTSD or a sleeping disorder does not make me a professional. But it does make me aware and knowledgable and have empathy. Maybe you don’t want to talk to a therapist but just need a little extra love. I will give it to you. If you are struggling and need some words to grasp, I will be there. Simply email me. Whether I know you or not, I will send light to your inbox. I don’t know what you’re going through and I don’t need to if you don’t want to tell me. Just email me with the subject, “love letter” and I’ll show up.

Brooke_trent@icloud.com

always in your corner,

B

Dark Paradise

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EIGHT days of snow. 8. To say i’m going stir crazy is an understatement. So you people reading this who is at least 100 miles in the proximity of sand, for the love of god…send some my way!

With eight days in a snow daze, i’ve had a lot of time to think. I’ve thought about this subject for years. i mean, since i was 5. Dreams. I’m not talking about goal oriented dreams, i mean dreams while you are dead asleep and you wake up wondering who you are and how you got there, dreams.

A lot of people have dreams or nightmares and just brush them off and go about their day. For me, it’s not that simple. This might seem so silly to some people..like who cares that she has dreams…Dreams have changed my life. I have had vivid, morbid, thrilling, out of this world dreams since about the age of 5. I can tell people what i dream about and they look at me like i have 4 heads. They don’t understand that i go through this every morning. That i recall what i dream about every single day and that it can make or ruin my day.

Many people take depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder or any other mental disorders very seriously. After suffering a tremendous loss by one of my friends passing away in my presence and losing whom i thought was the love of my life simultaneously, i had a sever case of PTSD. I had to sleep with my sister for months, i couldn’t shower with the door closed, i couldn’t be alone while i slept because of my dreams.

Coming from a background in psychology, it is in my blood to tear a part every single thing in my dreams. Why was it cold? Why was i in a graveyard? Why did i touch his face? Why were my grandparents zombies? One dream can mess up my entire day. It can make me or break me. It can determine my mood, my energy, my appetite. I know some people who can’t recall their dreams, some do and don’t really care. But it nature to care and to be analytical about everything in my life. I won’t go into detail about these dreams because if i did, i wouldn’t be typing this, i would probably be in a straight jacket.

I have tried multiple ways to just stop dreaming every night. Alcohol, medication, (prescribed, of course) changing my meals, therapy, not eating after a certain time of day, not eating dairy, i even went so far as to draw a dot on my hand and whenever i got scared or mad or wanted to wake up, i would remind myself before i went to sleep to press that dot really hard so i could wake up. I have woke up in crying fits, i have woke because i forgot to breathe, i’ve been scared awake and i’ve woken up so happy that i wanted to fall back asleep.

White bear problem refers to the psychological process whereby deliberate attempts to suppress certain thoughts make them more likely to surface. An example is when someone trying not to think of a white bear is more likely to imagine one. I chalked my dreams up to this for a long time. But what if it’s something more…

Psychology is so new that we have just begun to scratch the surface. How much can we know about something that isn’t even 200 years old? So with that, i question do dreams have something to do with having a mental disorder? Why so some people dream so vividly and recall every thing about them and other people nothing. Everyone dreams, but what if you dream to the level where it messes up your day? your relationships? your life? is that possible? or should we just let them go the moment we wake up and not think twice about them? Is it your subconscious trying to break out of your skull and get to you to acknowledge it with your conscious?

I don’t really know and for right now, i don’t care too much. I think about things deeply and it doesn’t stop when i sleep. I’ve learned to accept this more now than to try to make them disappear. One other person knows this about me. This is something real and raw and something i want to share, something i want to get comments on.
Don’t ever let someone feel bad or weird for who you are, for what you think or feel. Don’t hide your insecurities, embrace them.

XO,

B

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Today’s song: a little Lana